Preaching On Domestic Violence In October

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Domestic violence is a major justice and peace issue for our communities of faith.

In the first reading we hear Habakkuk’s cry to God for help. "I cry out to you "violence", but you do not intervene." Habakkuk is referring to the violence in Israel during his time. "Destruction and violence are before me. There is strife and clamorous discord." God answers that Habakkuk should not lose faith. God says, "Write down the vision clearly upon the tablets, so that one can read it readily. For the vision still has its time, presses on to fulfillment, and will not disappoint; if it delays, wait for it, it surely will come, it will not be late."

October is the Domestic Violence Awareness month and Habakkuk’s cry reminds me of the desperate cries of so many women victims of domestic violence in our communities and our nation.

In our first reading Naaman is cured of leprosy after plunging into the Jordan River seven times. He is thrilled and returns to the prophet Elisha to present him with a gift in gratitude for the cure. When Elisha refuses it, Naaman asks for a few mule-loads of earth from Israel to take home. He promises to trust only in the God of the Jews. In the gospel, we hear of Jesus’ cure of the ten lepers and only one returns to thank him.

These stories of enthusiastic "thanks you’s" remind me of women who are liberated from domestic violence (or whom I have assisted to be liberated from DV). October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Victims of domestic violence are forever thankful for the support, acceptance and accompaniment given them during their struggles to free themselves from domestic abuse.

In our first reading, Aaron and Hur have to hold up Moses’ arms while Israel does battle against Amalek and his army. The battle continued for a good while. When Moses grew tired and lowered his hands, Amalek got the better of the fight.

The need for Moses to be constant in his prayer during the battle of the Israelites, reminds me our need to be constant in our accompaniment of victims of domestic violence, who themselves are battling to free themselves from abuse. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Many women suffer through years of abuse and agonize over the decision whether to liberate themselves from violence or continue to try to save their marriage. We who watch their struggle must be faithful and constant in our support as Moses was during the Israelites’ battle.

Today’s first reading tells us that "the Lord is a God of justice who knows no favorites. Though not unduly partial toward the weak, yet he hears the cry of the oppressed. The Lord is not deaf to the wail of the orphan, nor to the widow when she pours out her complaint."

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I have no doubt that God hears the cry of so many women victims of domestic violence. The problem is that we often do not hear their cries, their muffled, disguised and often only whispered cries.

Domestic violence occurs largely behind closed doors, in secret. It is often hidden from everyone but those in the family. And members of the family often keep it a secret. It’s too embarrassing or they simply do not know where to turn.

Domestic violence is rampant in our community. The statistics prove it is an epidemic. Many women here today are victims of domestic violence, and you understand how painful and shameful it can be.

-Every 15 seconds a woman is beaten in the United States.

Definition: Many women victims of domestic violence are unaware they are victims. Perhaps because they have a narrow definition which only includes physical violence. In fact, domestic violence is a behavior pattern based on the use of power and control of one person over another. It exists in different forms; it may be physical, verbal or emotional, economical and sexual.

Domestic violence is learned behavior, meaning it is not genetic. And since it is learned, it can also be unlearned or changed. But male abusers will not change unless they are held accountable for their actions. Some abusers will try to excuse themselves, and their victims may even believe their rationalizations – such as the abuser is under a lot of stress or he abused her while under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Stress and alcohol can certainly aggravate abuse but they are not the cause. Abusers choose to use different forms of violence because they work to maintain power and control over their victims.

Most women victims of domestic violence struggle to liberate themselves from their abuser. It’s difficult. For many of us, we can’t understand why they just don’t pick up and leave their abusers. Many, however, are ashamed to have anyone know about it for fear of appearing to have failed in their marriage. Some don’t believe they can make it economically without the abusers’ financial help. Others don’t want to separate their children from their fathers; despite the abuse, children often pressure their mothers not to leave their fathers and sometimes the abusers themselves use their children against their wives.

Often women victims interiorize the emotional abuse and believe they are responsible for provoking the abusers’ violence. Maybe if they were better wives or mothers, they say, their husbands would not be so abusive. Many begin believing the abusers’ insults that they are ignorant, incompetent, helpless and ugly. Their self-confidence is gone. Their self image is on the floor.

Domestic violence often takes the form of economic control, especially in cases where the woman works at home. She has no income and has to ask, if not plead, for every penny she needs for the household and children. The abuser demands full accountability and continues to belittle her as financially irresponsible and not to be trusted with money.

Sexual abuse is common also, notably when men demand their wives watch pornography, or engage in activity or wear clothes the women find offensive. Some even force their wives to have sex, actually raping them.

Most victims of domestic violence go through a stage of trying to please their abusive partners. They try to placate them as best they can. They walk on egg shells. Clearly they are motivated by fear and completely dependent on their abusers’ whims and moods. They may avoid explosions of physical violence or angry outbursts but they live as oppressed victims of emotional violence. If the abuser simply says he will her, it may be enough to silence and subdue his wife for a life time.

After severe episodes of violence, whether beatings, yelling or threats, abusers generally become remorseful. They apologize and ask for forgiveness while at the same time blaming the victims for having caused the violence they themselves perpetrated. This is the honeymoon stage and it is highly unlikely to continue. The change of mood confuses the victim, however, as she begins to think he will change. In fact, abusers generally do not change. Soon the tension will begin to build again as he pursues his goal of maintaining power and control. Abusers will not change until they are held accountable for their violence.

Unfortunately, our church has in some ways been complicit in this epidemic of domestic violence. We have not spoken out against it. We have not preached that no one deserves to be abused and no one should stay in an abusive relationship. Many victims take literally that their marriage is forever, and, therefore, they can never leave their abusive husbands without offending God. Maybe their mothers even told them they have to carry their cross just like they themselves did. Certainly abusers are quick to quote scripture to justify their power and control. They distort the Word by insisting women were created to serve men and that wives must be subject to their husbands.

Today as we hear our scriptures, we must set the record straight. The church rejects all forms of domestic violence and urges women to protect themselves and their children, even if that means a separation and divorce from their abusers. Our church must help to protect them and assist them in freeing themselves from the violence.

As a community of faith we reach out to every victim of domestic violence. We encourage you to come out of the shadows and seek help. We want to support you in your struggle for peace. We want you to be safe and free, filled with love, joy and hope for the future.

Many of us here today know someone who is experiencing domestic violence. We need to tell them they do not have to suffer the violence. We need to listen to them and to assure them that we support them in their efforts to free themselves from the violence.

Story: At some point in the homily, the preacher should add his or her own personal story of a woman victim of domestic violence. Here is a sample:

A woman came to see me last week. She asked me to talk to her husband because he was drinking a lot. I asked her how he was treating her. "Not well," she said. "Does he use bad language on you?" "Yes," she replied. "What words does he use?" "He calls me stupid and even worse names," which I can’t mention in the pulpit. "Does he hit you?" "No, not recently." "How long ago did he hit you?" "Three months ago." "How did he hit you?" "With his fist, but he apologized the next day and hasn’t hit me since. "Does your family know about this?" "No, I am ashamed to tell them." "Do you have anyone to talk to or support you?" "No" she said. "Well," I said, "you don’t deserve to be treated this way, and I want to support you. I’ll bet you don’t feel very good about yourself, do you?" "No," she said. "Well, I want you to talk to a counselor to build up your self-esteem and make you strong enough so you can confront your husband and figure out whether you will stay with him or free yourself from this terrible abuse. If your husband wants to talk to me, I would be happy to."

October 7 Habbakkub cried out to God about the violence in his time, and he thought God did not hear him. Today, many victims of domestic violence cry out to God and we must hear their plea. We, as individuals and as church, can and should be God’s messengers of love, liberation and peace for these women who endure the torment of domestic violence and have nearly lost hope. Let us be sensitive but strong in our response; let us be compassionate but firm in our resolve to bring God’s liberating grace to so many victims of domestic violence.

October 14 Naaman thanked Elisha for his cure from leprosy, and one Samaritan leper returned to thank Jesus for making him clean. Women victims of domestic violence will thank God and us for our support and encouragement in their struggle to free themselves from domestic abuse. We, as individuals and as church, can and should be God’s messengers of love, liberation and peace for these women who endure the torment of domestic violence and have nearly lost hope. Let us be sensitive but strong in our response; let us be compassionate but firm in our resolve to bring God’s liberating grace to so many victims of domestic violence.

October 21: Moses remained constant in prayer while the Isarelites did battled again Amalek and his army. We must be constant in our support of women victims of domestic violence who struggle to free themselves from domestic abuse. We, as individuals and as church, can and should be God’s messengers of love, liberation and peace for these women who endure the torment of domestic violence and have nearly lost hope. Let us be sensitive but strong in our response; let us be compassionate but firm in our resolve to bring God’s liberating grace to so many victims of domestic violence.

October 28: The Bible reveals to us a God of justice, a God who hears the cry of the poor and oppressed, the widow and orphan but also women victims of domestic violence. We need to open our ears to their cries and respond with the same understanding that Jesus should to all who suffer injustice. We, as individuals and as church, can and should be God’s messengers of love, liberation and peace for women who endure the torment of domestic violence and have nearly lost hope. Let us be sensitive but strong in our response; let us be compassionate but firm in our resolve to bring God’s liberating grace to so many victims of domestic violence.

-----Charles Dahm, OP

Pastor, St. Pius V Parish, Chicago, IL.